Inspiration and motivation is hard to find sometimes, you can't conjure it out of nowhere, yet looking for it is also requires effort which I usually don't have. So as I'm sitting on the airplane on my way back to London, thinking of something to motivate me to write, I notice that without realising it I've managed to spill tea all over my tray table.
This small clumsiness on my behalf reminded me of the coffee and tea stains that cover my iPad case and the coffee spill that stained my Guinness factory shirt the first time I wore it three years ago. I also realise that whilst I'm writing this that I have no idea whatsoever where I'm going with it, so far it's looks to be about stains.
Unlike some people, I've never really been the type of person to look at someone and wonder what they are doing with their life, what they are thinking or where they are going. I usually just watch people, watch the way they do things, like they way the three people next to me are all reading different things. Then I look down at their shoes, I've always judged someone by their shoes which is so hypocritical of me because the majority of my shoes are falling apart, but that doesn't mean that I am too. I understand quite well that this is probably quite strange of me, but to be honest it entertains me.
But this has lead me to wonder whether other people are looking at me and wondering what I am doing with my life, what I'm thinking etcetera. If I were to answer these things I wouldn't know what to say, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, I mean I know that I will get on the tube and go to my friends house as soon as I'm off the plane. But after that, no idea.
I started working when I was 15 years old and have done so ever since, however this now has been the longest time I've not been working. So that also means this is the longest time I've been without a regular routine, a regular routine keeps my mind on track. It means I know when I have to get up in the morning, I have my clothes lined up for the next day, and my weeks worth of food already decided and ready to look forward to.
The lack of income has made me put myself on a budget, I won't run out of money but I will never feel at ease knowing I have no backup if something comes up. This budgeting means I will most likely stay in my room all day instead of going out into the city, I have no idea what to wear which means I definitely won't go anywhere either. But the thing that gets to me the most is I have no purpose to my day, I have no reason to get up. Normally at work I would set goals, which I would look forward to doing the next day, being able to push myself further to achieve what I want, I enjoyed working overtime just so I wouldn't leave anything unfinished. My morning coffee would be my inspiration but it is now my maybe midday coffee and that's only if i can find a mug in the house.
So going back to my abnormal judgement of people depending on the shoes they wear, I start to think it may be correct. Maybe I am falling apart a bit like my shoes, my favourite pair of sandals broke a few days ago and instead of mending them I just threw them out. Does it mean something if I'm not finding the motivation to fix and mend these things, am I not bothering to help mend myself either?
Well we are going through some turbulence right now, so this food for thought will end here the way it started, with tea stains on my tray table.
After thought note to self : quit your whining Jess, you're on a five month travelling holiday, deal with it.